Portrait

Some people actually did like those Acne shoes with the weirdly high vamp. I wasn't one of them. So it may come as no surprise that I'm equally appalled by this Asos attempt to do something similar. It's not done well enough to count as an actual knockoff, but similar enough to ring a bell. In my head at least.

They replaced the Thai silk by suede and mixed in some stripes, but that shape is truly gruesome. Yet Asos seemed to think we needed this shoe in not just one, but two colour ways.

Why? And more importantly: why would anyone spend €121 on such a catastrophe??!

Project 5

Finsk is one of those brands that I really really can't imagine wearing myself. Even when they try to do "normal", the shoe will still be unlike everything you've ever seen before. They're "out there" with their designs, and they'll charge you for it as well. Take the curiously named Project 5. Looks like a plain black boot (a quite pretty one, I might add) that's placed on top of an ornament of some sort. Now how in the hell would you walk in these? I usually love their ideas conceptually, but I can't imagine them selling enough shoes to keep afloat. Because seriously, who in the world would be spending $1000 on these?

Thumbelina

Love the name, hate the shoe. I'm crazy about fairytales, but these shoes are not the stuff dreams are made of. They are just plain bizarre. The cut-outs, the crooked heel, that weird flap at the back, it's too much! If you're going bezerk over these Heavy Machine sandals though, be prepared to part with a whopping £470.

Hummingbird

I hardly even know what bothers me most about these sandals. That oldfashioned wallpaper-like rose print? The lace-up ribbon? That ugly platform? Or the neon pink trimming? What I do know though, is that I have better things to spend € 83 on.

1956

A world of no. How can these be sold out in all but three sizes? At $590, I can hardly imagine people buying these for a laugh...

Sea and believe

Personally these remind me very much of Nessie, the Loch Ness monster. Other people seem to like them though, as they appear to be selling out slowly but steadily. One reviewer is even raving about how "fun" they are. These wouldn't be allowed to be anywhere near my feet, but if you like them and you wear a US size 9, 10 or 11, you can spend your $80 over at Modcloth.

Converse sandals

Is anyone wondering why they've put these on sale? Not even if they gave me money on top, I would not be caught dead in these.

Black bingo

Enough with the flatforms already!! Who's buying these? FOR OVER 100 EUROS??! I'll go stare at some Louboutins now to recuperate from these monstrosities...

Dandelion

I have no idea where they got the name from, as dandelions in my mind are pretty and look like this, and I definitely don't see any ressemblance whatsoever to this shoe. As it is butt ugly, excuse the language.

Who comes up with shoes like this, I wonder? Who in the world has thought it would be a good idea to put a heel under a men's shoe and call it a pump? Weird thing is, people are actually out there buying them, since they're only available in three sizes anymore.

What's happening to the world???

Wynn

I don't know what's up with all the scarf print lately. It reminds of Armani in the nineties, and yeah, explain to me again why we would want to explore nineties fashion again (apart from Dr. Marten's, that is)? That said, these are just one of the many examples out there, of scarf print slapped onto otherwise innocent shoes. Poor wedge, it had such a promising start, what with that nice shape and all. Won't somebody please think of the shoes?!!!

Dolly

I don't even need to say it, now do I?

Weaver

The Summer of 2012 seems to call for (at least one) pair of raffia wedges, and I've shown you quite a few options these past few months. Then again, there are also those shoes that take a trend a few bridges too far. Like these Topshop ones, for instance. Overdose on raffia anyone?
The fact that they're pink doesn't help either, they just look so cheap! While they are anything but, because at £65 I consider these pretty overpriced. PS: the natural and the grey look equally aweful, so at least I can't blame the pink. (No worries pink, you're still my favourite colour!)

Too much

Whoever thought creating these was a good idea, should be voted off the design team. Carry on.

Ladybell

Oh Kurt Geiger, how can you hurt me so? You lift me up, only to push me down again. And the crazy part? These monstrosities are slowly but surely selling out. At £160 a pair.

Snorkeling

It pains me to have to do this to monsieur Louboutin, but these are aweful. They are the worst version of a wetsuit that a shoe could be. It all hurts my eyes: the bright yellow, the bright bright orange, the big fat white zipper and of course the fact that these are actually made out of neoprene, like a real wetsuit. Oh, and I haven't even gotten to the double toe yet:

I think my eyes just bled a little.

They are already sold out in quite a few sizes, which makes me think who would ever spend $895 on these...

Blightly

Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse, these popped up.

Float

Oh Jeffrey, I don't know how you do it. How do you come up with both my most beloved shoes and the ugliest shoes in the world?? You crack me up, and not always in a good way.

Danger Pauly

That's a rather fetching shoe I thought, at first glance. The bow seems a bit strange, though, was my second thought. And of course, as these are Irregular Choice, there is something off about this bow. Mainly because it isn't a bow at all. Oh no, those are bat wings! Don't believe me?

Boo! Only Irregular Choice would pull a stunt like that. How very Dracula of them. If you like a little horror on your feet, these Danger Pauly's are down to £40.

Giraffe

I don't even want to know, let alone guess, why. Sometimes you disappoint me, Kurt Geiger. Especially when you put £295 price tags on those disappointments.

Geri

Just in case someone's still out there dreaming of becoming a Spice Girl... Your dream is only £100 away.